


Goldilocks - A Shitpost in Fanfic Form

by NapoleonBonerfart



Series: Queen Fakey of Made Up Town [4]
Category: Parahumans Series - Wildbow
Genre: Alt-Power Taylor Hebert, Gen, Goldilocks shard, Horror, based on a wildbow post on reddit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-13 16:41:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29281635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NapoleonBonerfart/pseuds/NapoleonBonerfart
Summary: Taylor triggers with the ability to summon an unlimited number of bears within her line of sight.  It turns out there’s a lot you can do with this power.
Series: Queen Fakey of Made Up Town [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2093361
Comments: 10
Kudos: 47





	Goldilocks - A Shitpost in Fanfic Form

I supposed it started with the locker, I guess. That’s what you wanted to hear, right? You wanted to hear about me banging against my locker door, screaming for help, my realization that nobody was going to come for me and then waiting to die? Do you get off on hearing about people’s misery or something?  
  
Well I must have passed out or something because I blacked out and the next thing I knew was that the fire alarm went off and the school was evacuated. The cops and paramedics came by after that and took me to the hospital. That was when I learned that the school had been evacuated because a grizzly bear had been seen in the hallways.  
  
Did you want to hear about my week in the hospital recovering, counting the ceiling tiles and watching shitty daytime TV? I even met Panacea. She walked in, asked me if she had my permission to heal me and left without so much as a by your leave. You should really work with that girl about her bedside manner now that she's on your team.  
  
Yeah well I was given the month off from school and a settlement from the school for it. A small consolation prize. It was enough to cover the hospital bills and a bit extra which went into the rainy day fund. But that's boring and I bet you didn't want to hear about that huh? You wanted to hear about my powers.  
  
Well it wasn't until I was back at school after a month that I realized that I even had powers. A member of the trio, who's name I cannot legally disclose to you, 'accidentally' spilled some ice water down my back while I was eating lunch. I felt a slight tug in my mind as I yelped from the coldness of it. Next thing I knew there was a Grizzly Bear in the cafeteria.  
  
Needless to say that they evacuated the school and called animal control, _again_.  
  
If once was happenstance, then twice was coincidence. I had my suspicions though.  
  
Since I had the day off from school I spent the day wandering around the boardwalk.  
  
So when I saw some of the boardwalk enforcers harassing some blonde girl, I decided to try to see if I had powers right then and there by attempting to will a Grizzly Bear into existence.  
  
It worked.  
  
Unfortunately, manifesting an enraged 600 lb. grizzly bear into a crowd full of shoppers wasn't a great idea.  
  
Let me tell you, containment foam tastes like absolute ass. Next time you see Dragon, ask her if she can make some better flavors for it? Do you have any idea how annoying it is to have containment foam in your mouth and you can't even move your head or close your mouth?  
  
To make a long story short, the PRT and the Protectorate were not happy with me. I had barely even known that I had powers and I was already being dragged in front of the PRT. The director—I forgot her name, Poirot or something like that—was mad at me for manifesting a bear in the middle of the boardwalk, I thought she just hated parahumans. Armsmaster just stood there like a robot to act as a lie detector for Poirot. I guess that's all you can really do when you're in charge of the protectorate, is let the PRT walk all over you and act as a lie detector. Do I sound bitter?  
  
So they made me undergo power testing which, if my life was a book, this would be the filler chapters that would make you wonder if I was being paid by the word to write this. It was long, it was boring, they assigned some numbers to my powers but I forgot what they were. Turns out thought that I could summon multiple Grizzly Bears into existence without any real upper limit, and the bears that I created were just perfectly average grizzly bears with no signs of Parahuman tampering. So that was a thing.  
  
I'll spare you the details of the meet and greet with the Brockton Bay wards as you've met them already. Clockblocker thought it'd be funny to use his powers on me, so I did the same, to him as soon as I was unfrozen.  
  
That might not have been the best idea, I'll admit. But in my defense, Clockblocker had led me to believe that the Wards just casually used their powers on each other to razz them in good fun. I guess there's a difference when your power is to freeze somebody for a few minutes versus manifesting a godless killing machine in the room with them.  
  
Vista you already know, she was excited to get another girl on the team, saying that Shadow Stalker didn't count, I'm sure that she's said as much to you about any new members that've joined since her on your team.  
  
Shadow Stalker and I, well we didn't really get along that well, for reasons I'd rather not get into.  
  
I knew that working with the Wards in Brockton Bay wasn't going to work in the long run, and it turns out that joining the wards is a one way ticket, so I took the earliest possible opportunity for a transfer.  
  
Which is how I ended up as the sole member of the West Yellowstone Wards team, soon to be the sole member of the West Yellowstone Protectorate. The PRT was worried that my power was going to disrupt the ecosystem wherever I lived, so I got shipped out somewhere where there already were Grizzly bears so I wouldn't do as much damage. Hence, Yellowstone.  
  
So now that leaves us Jack. I know what your real power it. I know how it works, and how your passenger is whispering in your ear what any parahuman is about to do. But with me you're not really facing a parahuman, just 200 angry Grizzly Bears. So come on Jack, give me your best-  
  


* * *

  
 **PARAHUMAN RESPONSE TEAM  
DEPARTMENT 21 - SPECIAL ADMINISTRATIVE AREA YNP  
AFTER ACTION REPORT  
PRT UNITS INVOLVED: **SQUAD 537 (KIA)  
 **PARAHUMANS INVOLVED (PROTECTORATE):** GOLDILOCKS (KIA)  
 **PARAHUMANS INVOLVED (VILLAINS):** SLAUGHTERHOUSE NINE (MEMBERSHIP CONSISTING OF: JACK SLASH, BONESAW, SIBERIAN, THE, RED QUEEN, WARPED, SHATTERBIRD, ARSENAL, CRAWLER, AND MANNEQUIN)  
  
The PRT was alerted to the presence of the SLAUGHTERHOUSE NINE after a 911 caller in Cody WY reported a sighting of THE SIBERIAN to the Park County Sheriffs Department. Per standard procedure, the Sheriff's dept alerted residents in the area to move away from any glass surfaces and take cover. After 4 hours, with no further signs of the Nine found, the all clear was given in Cody. During that time, a traffic camera along US-14 near the Buffalo Bill reservoir showed a pair of vehicles last seen in Omaha NE preceding an attack by the group were spotted traveling WB towards Wapiti and the East Entrance to Yellowstone National Park.  
  
With the advance warning, NPS Rangers alongside PRT Personnel began to evacuate visitors towards West Yellowstone MT, Livingston MT, and Jackson WY. PRT Squad 537 alongside Wards member GOLDILOCKS (PID 2110611) was positioned to intercept the Nine at Fishing Bridge Village.  
  
Upon contact with the suspected vehicles, the presence of the SLAUGHTERHOUSE NINE was confirmed when THE SIBERIAN emerged from the forested area next to the road. Squad 537 acted immediately with containment foam to immobilize THE SIBERIAN. THE SIBERIAN was able to break through the containment foam regardless.  
  
Against the advice of the PRT Chain of Command, Ward GOLDILOCKS directed a personal challenge towards JACK SLASH, attempting to draw the attention of the group in order to give the PRT Squad time to regroup.  
  
Upon the conclusion of GOLDILOCKS' challenge to JACK SLASH, he proceeded to use his power to slice her throat, killing her instantly. In retaliation, Ward GOLDILOCKS used her power to summon approx 150-175 Grizzly Bears.  
  
Upon review of body camera footage, the bears summoned by GOLDILOCKS showed signs of lethargy and poor health. It remains to be seen whether this was the result of a power interaction with the SLAUGHTERHOUSE NINE, a biological attack by members RED QUEEN or BONESAW, or a previously undiscovered limitation to GOLDILOCKS' power.

**Author's Note:**

> Over on the /r/parahumans subreddit, somebody asked if a cape with the ability to summon an unlimited number of completely normal bears could beat Jack Slash.
> 
> According to Wildbow, no.
> 
> This is that story.


End file.
